The Thoughts in the Back of His Mind Frerard
by GeeWowie
Summary: Gerard was a sociopath, he wouldn't even leave his apartment. But then, the heart murmur happened, and now Gerard hasn't got very long to live. He sees Frank while looking out the window and hastily runs down to meet him. Intimacy was never relevant to Gerard's life, but now he wants it to be.
1. Opportunities

Two weeks to live. That's what the doctor told Gerard.

He had some sort of heart murmur that none of the doctors could fix. At least, nothing Gerard had the money for. So, inevitably, Gerard would die, no matter what. He was content with that. His pathetic life never meant anything. There was no real companionship for Gerard. Nothing. Intimacy was a foreign concept, quite literally. Doing something wild would be just the thing for Gerard. He paced the room anxiously, nervous at the thought of doing something even remotely flamboyant.

_I guess I could, uh...no, that wouldn't work. But maybe... _In the far corner of Gerard's mind, the thought of some form of intimacy drifted about, as scared as he was to admit it. It would never work. He was sure of it. And even if it did, Gerard was still scared. Of getting attached. It would only end badly, especially considering his limited time.

His heart raced. _This can't be what I want. I'm usually so careful. _Oh, no. This was what Gerard wanted. More than anything, he wanted to feel something before he died. The numbness, it needed to stop, if only for a mere second. It was _all _Gerard wanted. He wanted to feel. He gulped and turned towards the window, squinting at the rays of sunlight entering the room. He rolled up the shades, hands trembling. He took a peek at the outside world. It was unusual, considering his adamant policy of staying inside. Gerard preferred not to socialize.

What was Gerard even looking for, anyway? An opportunity wouldn't just come waltzing down the street. No, Gerard come out from under his shell and snatch it before it floated away. A seemingly easy task for the determined person, but Gerard had no hope. _Quit being an idiot, this will never work._ Wait, who was that? Squinting, Gerard pressed his face against the window, eager to get a look.

Due to the cheap apartment he owned, Gerard didn't exactly get a good view from the small, grimy window in his bedroom. It was an alley. And there appeared to be someone, by the looks of it a young man, walking down the alleyway. _Maybe I should help him... _Gerard thought, his brow furrowing. It would be a shame for an innocent man to get attacked. This wasn't exactly the safest area in New Jersey.

_Oh, definitely not safe for him to be wandering out there alone. _Gerard sighed. He peeled his eyes away from the window and walked into the bathroom, his head hurting from staring out the window for so long. He stared back aimlessly at his reflection, forgetting for a moment why he was there in the first place. The safety of that man was distracting Gerard. _Damn my kind heart._ Gerard chuckled slightly.

He ran his hands through his greasy black hair and evaluated his current appearance. _It will have to do for now, _Gerard thought, walking slowly to the door to his apartment. Gerard wasn't quite sure he was ready to socialize with people. How long had he stayed in his apartment? Two weeks? Three weeks? _It doesn't matter. I'm trying to make an effort now, that's what matter, _he tried hard to motivate himself. It was a simple fact that Gerard didn't like people.

Nevertheless, he stepped into the elevator. Something about that man appealed to him. Perhaps his stupidity made Gerard feel better about himself. That was a cruel outlook of the situation, but deep down it was Gerard's only motivation. There was another man in the elevator, an older fellow. He nodded and said, "Good morning. Are you visiting. I haven't seen you around here." Gerard desperately wished he wouldn't try to make useless small talk. It irritated out. But being the kindhearted person he was, he grinned and bared it.

"G-Good morning. I do live here, I just don't...leave very often."

Gerard then erupted into a violent coughing fit. Although he wasn't going to be cured, they put him on antibiotics anyway. The thought of the nasty side effects of the medicine made Gerard's expression turn into one of bitterness. He _hated _everything about his condition. The only thing that made it better was the knowledge that Gerard would die peacefully, and thankfully, not many people would miss him. Probably only his mother and his brother Mikey would actually grieve.

The thought lowered Gerard's self-esteem, if only slightly.

The older man's expression turned to one of concern as he asked, "Are you alright?" _Does it look like I am? _Gerard thought bitterly. No, no, he was only trying to be helpful. Gerard needed to be nice. "I'm fine, just a slight...cold. Nothing to worry about," Gerard weakly attempted to smile. The man nodded with a look of disgust and the elevator stopped and opened, to which the man left immediately. "Contagious bastard," he muttered under his breath as he hurried away, just loud enough for Gerard to hear.

This is exactly why he preferred to stay in his apartment. People can be so rude.

Gerard sighed and remembered why he was here. It didn't even seem that important anymore, but the thought of the anxious look on the man's face brought back the motivation to Gerard. "Not much longer..." he said under his breath. After what seemed like an hour, the elevator doors opened. Gerard barely recognized the lobby, he was rarely anywhere beyond the hallway his apartment was located in.

The doorman had a look of surprise on his face and he asked, "Who are you?" Typical. Gerard's existence was once again, unregistered.

"I live here. Just...going out for a while, if you'll excuse me." Gerard gritted through his teeth, irritated.

"No, I'm pretty sure you don't live in this place, kid."

"I do. I just don't come out often, really. I'm not lying."

The pesky doorman was unconvinced.

"What's your name, son?"

"Gerard."

"Gerard who?"

"Gerard Arthur Way. I live in apartment 26B, now if you'll excuse me, _please. _I have somewhere to be." Gerard tried to push his way past the doorman. "Hold on a second, sit down in a chair, I'll only be a moment," the doorman crossed the room over to the receptionist's desk. Gerard hadn't noticed any receptionist. Maybe she was on a lunch break or something of the sort.

"Okay...Gerard Way, was it?" he asked. Gerard breathed a sigh of impatience. He didn't like waiting. That man was probably long gone now, and Gerard was just wasting his time. He nodded, trying his best not to lash out at the man. "Oh! Yeah, I see you now. You do live here..." the man said, staring at the computer screen. Gerard nodded, annoyed.

"Can I go now?"

"Oh, yes! Of course. Bye, Mr. Way."

"Bye."

Gerard walked out the door to the apartment building, looking around hopelessly. _He's not here..._ Gerard thought miserably. He was about to slink back to his apartment when someone tapped on his shoulder. "Wha-oh, y-you!" Gerard exclaimed. It was just the person he had been looking for. The man smiled.

"Uh, yeah...anyways, what was going on in there?"

"G-Goddamn doorman didn't think I l-lived here."

"Why not?"

"I rarely leave my apartment."

Gerard knew he must have sounded pathetic, but to his surprise the stranger just grinned and said, "Oh, yeah, I don't quite like leaving home either. But I needed fresh air." The corners of Gerard's lips twitched upward at the man's friendly nature. It had been quite a long time since Gerard has experienced, or even witnessed kindness such as this. "What's your name?" the man inquired.

"Why d-do you wanna know?" Gerard despaired at his lack of people skills.

"You seem like a cool guy, that's all."

His compliment sent shivers down Gerard's spine. The faint idea of intimacy was starting to make itself known. "Th-thanks. I'm G-Gerard." He mentally cursed himself for making it so clear that he wasn't good at socializing. "I'm Frank. You can call me Frankie," he winked at Gerard. Gerard raised his eyebrow. Social etiquette was a strange thing indeed. Gerard tried to think of something to say to him, but was lost. Lost in Frank's eyes.

"So, do you wanna go get some coffee or something?"

"Me?" Gerard was dumbfounded. Never was he invited to hang out with someone.

"Yeah, you! I'm just trying to be nice. You seem kind of...sad."

Pity. It was just pity. If Gerard had pondered intimacy for even a minute it wouldn't have mattered. Gerard was asking for it, though. He might as well be nice and go get coffee with this kind, handsome man. Handsome was the first word Gerard could connect with Frank.

"Uh, sure, Frank."

Just saying his name made Gerard blush. It rolled off his tongue beautifully. _Frank_. No, he needed to get those thoughts out of his head. This was bold enough for Gerard. He didn't need to yearn for something more. That would only be selfish. Frank held out his hand, and at first Gerard had no idea what he intended to do. "Well, are we going?" Frank's words echoed through his head.

"O-Okay..."

"Take my hand, then." Frank grinned at him.

_Quit grinning, you're making me so nervous, _Gerard thought. Frank was making him _very _nervous, almost as if it was on purpose. Tentatively, Gerard interlaced his fingers with Frank's, and suddenly he realized how cold his hands were.

"I'll warm you up, Gerard, don't worry."

It was almost as if Frank could read his thoughts. Gerard hoped not, that would be embarrassing. But he was confused, was Frank..._flirting _with him? Gerard didn't really know how it worked, but this sure seemed like a pretty damn good example. He was almost tempted to ask, but it would probably ruin Gerard's chances of obtaining a friend. One friend. Just one friend before he died.

They started walking, and Gerard was nervous. New Jersey was more crowded than he remembered. He squeezed Frank's hand, hoping for some comfort. His wish was granted, Frank turned back and smiled. Genuinely. It made Gerard feel safer somehow. Like he was not alone.

"Don't worry, babe, we'll be at the cafe in a few."

_Babe? _Had Gerard heard correctly? Even a sociopath like Gerard knew that this was indeed flirting. He hoped Frank wasn't expecting flirting from him. Gerard noticed that he was sweating, even though it was quite cold outside. Gerard knew why. Frank's touch overwhelmed him. Just Frank's presence made Gerard nervous, but excited, too. Maybe it wasn't so silly after all.

Maybe opportunities can come walking down the street.


	2. An outburst

The small coffee shop stood in front of Gerard, and Frank pulled him inside the cozy little cafe. They made their way to the counter and Gerard felt relieved that it wasn't crowded. It was quaint, the only people who were there weren't being bothersome, just sitting in the corner reading.. "What do you want?" Frank asked him.

"I can order for myself."

"Go ahead."

Gerard probably couldn't order for himself. Oh well. Life was about trying new things, especially when you're about to die. That concerned Gerard. What would he tell Frank? He couldn't possible develop a friendship with Frank. It would be pointless. And selfish, for Gerard would be dead soon. He smiled at the thought of it. "Sir?" the barista said. "Oh, um, I'll have uh...a large regular, I think."

She gave him a fake smile and told him to sit down somewhere. "I'll have someone bring it to you." Her voice was sugary sweet. Dripping with falseness. That was the problem with everyone, they were all fake and full of lies. Gerard sighed. Frank probably was, too. He was just alluring, not necessarily special. Frank took Gerard's hand and lead him to a table in the corner. Perfect. It was desolate.

Frank sat across from Gerard and frowned.

"W-What?"

"Spill."

"What's that supposed to m-mean?"

"Something's wrong."

"N-Nothing's wrong, Frank. I'm f-fine."

"Then why are you stuttering?"

Gerard gestured to all of the people around them. There were probably only a handful of people in the room, but it was enough to make him nervous. The depths of Gerard's antisocial lifestyle would surprise anyone. Frank, however, was still confused. "People," Gerard croaked. He didn't like talking. He wasn't used to it. He didn't want to get used to it, either.

"So that's your problem? People? That's understandable..."

"Frankie, I'm a fucking sociopath. Can you relate, darling?"

No. Gerard did not just say that. He couldn't have. He was too careful. This is the real reason Gerard didn't talk to people.

Something crazy always came out.

"G-Gerard, I didn't know..."

He had managed to make Frank stutter. Gerard smiled in content.

"Oh, it's fine. It just goes to show that talking to me never ends nicely."

"I want it to end nicely."

Gerard's confidence was high. He knew exactly what to say, for once.

"Are you flirting with me?"

"Not now."

That's all the information Gerard needed. His heart sank. Intimacy wasn't too nice at all, not like this. That was all Frank had ever wanted. He was just a flirt.

"Goodbye," Gerard said, standing up and grabbing his coffee. "Thanks for the coffee, though." Gerard might have been slightly off-centered, but he wasn't rude. He walked briskly back to the apartment building. All Gerard wanted, at that moment, was to be safe in the comfort of his cheap apartment.

_Today has not been a good day at all. _Gerard frowned. Handsome wasn't the first word Gerard connected with Frank anymore.

It was fake. Just like everyone else.


End file.
